Is it acceptable to list where the bride is registered on the bridal shower invitation?

Although it is often done today, it is not correct etiquette to do so.   I would suggest mentioning the registry to your guests when they telephone to RSVP.   Many people find the registry information helpful.  Any guests who dislike going by a registered list will just ignore the information you give them and select a gift of their own choosing.

Must I provide a bridal shower favor for every guest?

What wording do you put on the favor gift tag at a bridal shower?

There is no set rule.   Some people put the name of the bride and the date of the shower (e.g. Julie's Shower, June 6, 2004), others put both the bride and groom and the wedding date (e.g. Julie and John, June 27, 2004.)

When is the best time to schedule a bridal shower?

Bridal showers are usually timed to be close enough to the date of the wedding so that the excitement is already building, however not so close that the shower will disrupt the bride from last minute preparations.   Bridal showers are usually scheduled for about 3 to 4 weeks before the wedding day.

Send out the invitations about three weeks prior to the shower - or earlier if you have out-of-town guests who will need to make travel arrangements.   Assume that those not responding will attend - or make a follow-up telephone call to those that have not responded.   This will avoid the embarrassment of preparing for too few people.

Can we ask the shower guests to give cash gifts?

You should not ask for gifts of money.   You will offend your guests if you do this.  

Note that most people do not like others to know how much they have or have not spent on a gift.  

To many guests, the highlight of the shower is to see the gifts opened and to examine and admire them.  

Today, the bride can register at a variety of stores other than department stores, from bedding to hardware.   Encourage the bride to think about what she needs most and register for those items at the store of her choice.   When guests telephone to RSVP and ask for gift suggestions, you can give out the registry information.

Is it proper to have a shower for someone who is getting married for the second time?

There is no rule against having a bridal shower for someone who is getting married for a second time.   If you feel uncomfortable with calling the event a bridal shower, then you can specify "a tea in honor of Mary" or something of that sort.  

The get-together does not need to be fancy;   it can be a gathering in someone's home or a lunch or tea at a restaurant. The main thing is for the bride-to-be's friends to celebrate her newfound happiness with her.

Should thank you notes for bridal shower gifts be hand-written and hand addressed?

Definitely! If a guest found the time to purchase and wrap a gift, then a personal thank you from the bride-to-be is the polite thing to do.   It is definitely the obligation of the bride to write her own hand-written thank you notes to everyone who has given her a shower gift.

It is always helpful if the bridal shower hostess makes a copy of the invitation address list for the bride-to-be, so that the bride-to-be's thank you notes can be addressed more efficiently.

It is customary at a shower for someone to be assigned the job of writing down a list of each gift and who gave it, as the bride-to-be opens up her gifts.   Since gift notes can get separated from the gift, this assures that the bride-to-be will thank the correct person for each gift.   If the bride-to-be is given a gift list and an address list, then she is more likely to mail her thank you notes in a timely manner.

I will not be able to attend my friend's bridal shower.   Should I send my gift to her before the wedding or should I bring it with me to the wedding?

Mail the gift ahead of time.   The correct way to give a wedding gift is to send the gift to the bride's home, not to bring it to the actual wedding.   However, many people do bring gifts to the wedding or to the reception, and then someone has to take on the responsibility of transporting the gifts back to the new couple's home.

No one has stepped forward to host a bridal shower for my daughter.   Is it ok for me to host a shower?

The Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor or the bridesmaids traditionally hosted bridal showers. Today, it is also acceptable for a friend or relative to host the shower.   However, it is not correct etiquette for the mother of the bride to host a bridal shower.   This is because it would be self-serving, i.e. asking for gifts for your daughter.

Often, the mother of the bride feels compelled to host the shower if the bridesmaids are unable or unwilling to do it and there is no other friend or family member who will take on the responsibility. If you feel this way, do try to host the shower from behind the scenes. You can put your phone number for the RSVP, but don't list yourself as a hostess. You can do most of the preparation and funding, but let one or more of the bridal party have the"hostess" title.

It might be that no one in the bridal party wants to take on the full responsibility, but that some would be willing to help you with a chore or two. I would suggest that you call the women in the bridal party and tell them that you are planning a bridal shower and that you would like to know if they would like to participate. Give them a suggestion of what you mean by participating, such as " would you like to bring a salad?" or "would you be able to help me set up the buffet table?" If they know what is expected, you will be more likely to get a positive response. Treat those that give you a positive response as a "hostess", and list them that way on the bridal shower invitations.   Be polite and understanding to those who bow out.

Who writes down the gift and the name of the giver as the bride opens her gifts?

There is no rule on this. Usually it is the hostess (or one of the hostesses) who takes on the responsibility.   But it can be a friend or the mother of the bride.   The main thing is to be sure that the person who has this responsibility writes clearly and accurately.

Do I need to ask the groom's aunts to the bridal shower?   The aunts are close to the groom's mother but the bride-to-be has only met them once?

You should not base the shower invitations on who the bride-to-be knows well.   This is an opportunity for the bride to get to know the groom's family.   If you plan to invite some family members to the shower and not others, you will no doubt offend someone.   Do not do anything to risk bad feelings before a wedding.

I will be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and I would like to plan a shower for her.   However, the wedding is out of town.   Can I plan the shower in our hometown before we go to the wedding location?

If the bride is to be married away from her hometown, there is no reason why her friends should not make a shower for her in her hometown before she leaves.   I would suggest discussing convenient timing with the bride-to-be and scheduling the shower accordingly.

Planning a shower in an unfamiliar location would not only be difficult but it would also require scheduling the event just prior to the wedding - when last minute wedding planning takes priority.   Also, all the gifts would need to be carted to the wedding location and back again.

The bride-to-be is planning a very small wedding.   Is it appropriate to invite people to the shower if they will not be invited to the wedding?

Usually it is not.   You will generate hurt feelings if some people at the shower will be present at the wedding and others will not.   There are exceptions.   For instance when office associates plan a shower, they do not necessarily except to be invited to the wedding.   If the wedding is such a small one that it is limited to the immediate family only, then only invite those who you know will understand this and not be offended.   If in doubt, don't invite.

The bride-to-be is planning a wedding out of the country.   Most of her friends and family will not be attending.   Should they be invited to the bridal shower?

If the wedding is to be out of the country, people will be more likely to attend the shower knowing that they will not be attending the wedding.   However, you must be sure that all the people you invite to the shower are aware of where the wedding will take place and, therefore, its limitations on attendance.   If anyone is put out by the fact that they will not be able to attend the wedding, they can always opt to miss the shower.

The easiest way to convey this is to add a note to the bridal shower invitation like this:

"Since most of us will not be witnessing Mary and John's marriage ceremony in Bali, this is our opportunity to celebrate this happy event with Mary.   We hope you can join us."

My niece just got married in Las Vegas.   None of the family were told ahead of time.   I would like to host a shower for her.   Can I still do this?

Etiquette says that you cannot give a bridal shower after the wedding has taken place.   Also, it is not correct etiquette to invite anyone to a bridal shower who has not received a wedding invitation.

Why not have a welcome home tea, brunch or lunch for the new bride.   If guests want to bring a gift they will, but they are certainly not obligated to do so and should not be asked to bring a gift to the event.

If any gifts are brought for the new bride at the tea, the giver should be thanked and the gift immediately placed out of site (so as not to embarrass those guests who have not thought to bring a gift). The bride should send out prompt thank you notes for any gifts given.

When a guest wins a game prize at a bridal shower, does she give the prize to the bride or does she take the prize home?

I have received this question quite often lately, and so it appears that for some the custom is to give the bride the prize gifts.   However, usually the guest takes the prize home herself.   My opinion is, if the game prizes are given to the bride, then there is no fun or competition for the guests in winning the prizes.   Gifts are for the bride, game prizes are for the guests.

We are planning to serve alcohol at the bridal shower and so we don't want any children attending.   However, several of the guests have young children.   How do we handle this?

Add a note to the invitation, as follows: "Since we are serving alcohol, we cannot allow children under 21 on the premises.   We appreciate your understanding and we ask that you make alternative arrangements for your children on that day."

Alternatively, if you know that this will be a hardship for some of your guests, why not arrange for a local baby-sitting service for a few hours?   Add the following note to the invitation:

"Since we are serving alcohol, we cannot allow children under 21 on the premises.   We are arranging baby-sitting services for those who do not have alternative options for their children.   Please let us know by May 4, 2004 if you will be in need of this service."